happiness

just saying...

frm google

frm google

how hard can this be?
how hard can i find my own peace of mind?
im in deep pain
im really hurting
i am not even proud of what i become...
i know it wil take time before i can come to terms with my own misery...

im loosing my grip to hold on to what is left of me..

im not sure anymore of who i am and who i want to be..

im feeling low all the time, and if want to feel high, i push my limits.

im in my extremes coz im already numb, maybe passive, maybe densed

of what could be the truth...

truth that i keep on denying to myself.

truth that hurts...

hurts that changed me...

frm google

i would like to trade my soul

for happiness...

what ever it takes

even if takes my whole life away..

just wanna smile.. whole heartedly...

new found friend

just saying...

i found a new friend..she is totally the opposite of me
it is a nice feeling that we get along regardless of the positons that we have.
it is nice to know that we are both open minded and both has respect for each other as a person
to survive the "friendship".

i appreciate that she appreciates me...
she trusts me, she cares for me.
she confides with me, controls me...
scolds me and cheer me up...

thank you for being nice and i really want to have a better and deeper frinedship
in and out of this box...

here i go again

just saying...

i cant escape
i cant wait
here i go again
in pain...

the words are simple, it was a simple "no"
but i cant escape the actions that yells a big "yes"
i am in bliss of happiness
and in an ocean of confusions,
i can not accept the answer in my face
because of a lie that lies in my heart.

i wanna go out of this mess
but i dont wanna loose these smiles
ill stay where i am now
even if it meant killing my own feelings
and rightful thining
i don't care anymore of what's coming
i just want
what i have now!!!!
what makes me happy now..
i am right...
i am wrong..
i just knew how hard it can get to be in this place...

SWEET COMPLICATION

just saying...

How can i answer a question
a question that actually was never asked
how can i touch you
when were together only in my dreams

you're the hardest kind of love
a love that can never be mine
and if ever you will be mine
you'll be my sweetest complication

how can i love you
when i already lost you?
how can you love me
when you're letting me go?
you're so near yet so far...

you're the biggest risk of my life
you're the mistake i'm wiling to commit
you're the scariest part of me
a part of me that makes me forget me...

unusual, unexpected, differently happy!!

just saying...

i was with good new found friends last night, drinking and all..
i don't know what happened... i got drunk and i think i just spilled my heart out.

i cannot elaborate more into this since it will make everything more complicated.
why is this so questionable???

i never thought i'd meet a friend who could match
my "ewww" taste for tequilas and chocolates at the same time...
well i found one... after years...
i have a friend now who would dip fries into their mcdo sundaes
like what i do since grade 5!!!
funny... just funny
that you would meet people who think almost the same way like you,
like what you like,
hates the people you hate
and finish each other's sentences...

just funny that you would meet people like these in the most unexpected places in the most unexpected times of your life.
call that fate? compatibility? chances?
FRIENDSHIP...
im just glad i was given a chance to share some time with a friend

whatever...im just enjoying every time of it...
thank you new found friend
still, coz you came...

thank you for listening patiently
and constantly assuring me that i'm good...

i now have a friend who even younger than me is as crazy as i was when i was in her age....
now, she is more mature than what she think she is...
one thing common for the two of us .... we are two love hopefuls lost and hurt...
we just wanted to love, and be loved...
we wanted to be accepted....
appreciated
and most specially,
to be RESPECTED
go on girl...

i now have a friend who is a kuya to be exact...
gives sermons, controls you and sticks with your crazy plans...
i just appreciate how much i can trust him so much
and how much he shows concern and care for what is good for me..
i really hoped that i had found a friend like this years ago...

that night....
i cried like a baby but i felt like a damstrel in distress...
i need to be rescued....
i need to be saved.
i jsut wanted to be
LOVED BACK IN RETURN

the art of war

I feel like posting this again... It is a lesson learned. 

just saying...

well well well
bitches fold and angels get mad...
i have no idea that G-O-D was listening when i was crying and touched someone's common sense!!!
there are things that you know when you're right. you just know it.

and when you are wrong... you just accept it.
maybe not immediately, but sooner or later.. it will pop up in your head and makes you think twice.

still, truth is i am a winner.
i made my point and i have stood silently crying my sweet victoy.

she folds... i spoke.

i want to be mad because it took her days to realize how much she hurt one person... one team.
but still, i thank the heavens for giving me a reason to smile now...

Losing one and gaining 7 more is the sweetest reward of fighting for the truth of my dignity.

she knew i hated her... she felt it, she deserved it, she got what's needed to be done.
i hope, since it has ended, lessons will be learned. new foundations could be built.

after all... i dont have plans on seeing her for the next years of my life...

.........just bitchin but loving.....

boxed in red

just saying...

i am changing...
and i am changing....
for what? i do not know... better? worse?
i just know that there are a lot of changes...

after getting my self in deep shit of pains and hurts...
i am now swimming in happiness...
and scared to admit Im liking my self better!!!!

i am happy - i may have the wrong reasons... i dont care becoz i am happy now...
and i am enjoying every minute of the day i am in this place...

i gained new importance for my plunging down the drain self esteem....
i am important!
i am doing what i know and love the most... bossing and serving and getting paid!
i am passionate.
and i have other reasons but i think will take me forever before i could admit why...
im messing again? hope not!!!
just enjoying the freebies of the party as they say!!!!
im getting new found friends who doesn't care what you did and who you were...
they are just happy to be with me and
i am also happy to be with these people having these red horses from time to time.
yes i'm enjoying the rest of my days and don't care about the time..
i just hate the gods here!!!

i thank them for making me forget the the harsh truth that i'm not really happy just being with my self...

i thank these people in red suits for helping me.
they just don't know how they did it and i also don't know how i got it...
they bring me up these days even on days that they do not know how much pain i was carrying.

i thank some people who already made an impact and have also let me in into their lives, circles and even own skeds.

i found new found friends as someone described me as well.
i found simple people who just wanst happiness as well.
some of them had it, and others were like me searching.
i've never thought partying all day and working cud be this important.

they are important to me now.
as i want to be important to them.

im trying not to bring them down,
coz so far, they are trying not to bring me down as well.

i thank them coz i have changed.........
i thank them not for the job with a pay just like LVs
i thank them for the experience.

i maybe happy because im trying to escape, but forgive me... now, i don't care whether i'm right or wrong... i just want to be happy...
though it hurts... (let's not get there, so dangerous to talk about)

i am having fun...........
with the right or wrong person/s as long as they/he/she completes my day...
that's what matters most.
like i've always said... i am a bitchy angel.

and i deserve these....
i do
and i want to deserve this.
after all what's worst than getting beaten in and out of hell for love!!!

i'm trying to find new meaning for love...
a love gone?? waiting??? hoping??
a love that can never be mine?
a love that will stay?
or stay with what i thought was love?

was it love i needed????
or respect more tahn anything else????
or both???

or i just need to be me..
free......

scared!!!!

just saying...
there was a time taht i thought being afraid was just baing afraid of ghost under our beds, cockroaches and rats, worst dead people...

these fades... and thorugh the years, life will unfold a lot of realities right in our faces that will change every aspect of our life.

love
death
taxes ...as they say!!!

what is the scariest feeling one could ever have? hanging in a cliff?
confusion?
hurting and getting hurt?

i am scared... i was scared my whole life and never had the chance to overcome that fear.
fear of love, notbeing loved, not loving.
fear of loneliness and leaving some one behind.
fear of happiness - not being able to give someone and not getting it from someone.

slowly that i realized,
i was afraid of living my life...
life that passed by me like a quartermile car race!!!
vrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm and gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how can i go back? how can i change things taht i know i should have control of?

My scare became my dare. 
and Im claiming victory. 
Now ready to bare
This time it will be my glory. 

new world new me

just saying...

there will come atime that we need to make decisions... wise decisions not only for ourselves caught in that 1 single struggle but a decision that will affect the rest of our lives.

i have been in a battle left and right. won a lot of them.

i never imagined that the most frightening battle would be the battle against one self.

there are times when you asked questions that you already know the answer but just soooo afraid that, that was really the right answer... denial? maybe, scared? hell yeah!!!

i am now fighting aginst my self.

my mind

my heart

my love!!!

change

just saying...

its never easy to change even they always say that it is the only most possible thiNg that cud eve happen in our lives. there are times that you just wanna quit to everythin but why cant you stop? what's really stopping us from doing the right thing or just by doing sumthing different? are there reasons or we really just DONT WANA DO IT? mybe its about time to make reasons and actually do sumthing that mYT changE life 360 degrees... lets wait... or better yet lets do it... NOW!

THIS MAY SOUND SO VAGUE, because even at tHis point i cant be honest enuf to accept the reality im facig that im losing it all and i cant aDmit to myself that this is actually the BEST THING THAT CUD EVER HAPPEN TO ME!

CHANGE....

new day new life new me

ill be editing some more of this in a weeks time....
pls wait

just saying...

for sure you will ask ,what is this all about, and i really wish i could easily just bare it all and tell the whole story... for the world to know what goes on after dad died...

money makes the world go round... and round and round and round. unfortunately, this is true. not that i am a cynic or a very pessimistic born bitch... I'm just getting real. a lot of choices in a person's life actually depends on money by 40%. ( i guess, from experience ) the remaining 60% are already divided to several factors that we take into considerations. sometimes its even hurting, that even if you don't have d money ur still affected by it, even more actually.

a lot has happened in my life that made me stronger. it all made me to be the very realistic, rational and practical person that i am now. fondly called "maldita" by the elders!!! i wont live for money alone or direct other people's life just because i have it at the same time that i won't mess someone else's life just because i don't have it. I'll ask help if im already in deep mud, but i never imagined that its better to just die in that deep mud than live in deep pain. wish we could all go back to the simple life that our great grandparents had, (except for the computers and cellphones.) where we would not have to trade our life for what only money can buy. where money is just a form of business, not our life.

it is true that money makes the world go round, but it actually CANNOT stop it from going so. it still just goes with it and comes again with it.

so to us, who may have d money today or none, just don't forget that time will come that it will our time! or if it is our time now, tomorrow might not be anymore. be careful of the choices we make, the words we utter, the looks we give... or, just like trash, it will also come back to you.

good karma to everyone!!!

just saying...

APOLOGY OF LOVE

A rose with thorns in her heart

Hangs in a hanging bridge

Of what may come!

Once a princess in your heart

Is now a rag of stains in your thoughts.

All I’ve ever wanted

Is perfect happiness around your arms

I never meant to be

A pain your ass

A problem to be solved

A cross for you to carry

A burden for you to load.

Never did I imagine

That in the years we’ve spent our lives,

We maybe apart then

But together again now

I did not plan nor think

Of hurting you, of causing you tears and pain.

With my actions that causes your nerve to rise,

With my words that makes your blood go high,

I really mean to say,

Next time, if not perfect at all

I’ll be very good just to deserve your love.