boxed in red

just saying...

i am changing...
and i am changing....
for what? i do not know... better? worse?
i just know that there are a lot of changes...

after getting my self in deep shit of pains and hurts...
i am now swimming in happiness...
and scared to admit Im liking my self better!!!!

i am happy - i may have the wrong reasons... i dont care becoz i am happy now...
and i am enjoying every minute of the day i am in this place...

i gained new importance for my plunging down the drain self esteem....
i am important!
i am doing what i know and love the most... bossing and serving and getting paid!
i am passionate.
and i have other reasons but i think will take me forever before i could admit why...
im messing again? hope not!!!
just enjoying the freebies of the party as they say!!!!
im getting new found friends who doesn't care what you did and who you were...
they are just happy to be with me and
i am also happy to be with these people having these red horses from time to time.
yes i'm enjoying the rest of my days and don't care about the time..
i just hate the gods here!!!

i thank them for making me forget the the harsh truth that i'm not really happy just being with my self...

i thank these people in red suits for helping me.
they just don't know how they did it and i also don't know how i got it...
they bring me up these days even on days that they do not know how much pain i was carrying.

i thank some people who already made an impact and have also let me in into their lives, circles and even own skeds.

i found new found friends as someone described me as well.
i found simple people who just wanst happiness as well.
some of them had it, and others were like me searching.
i've never thought partying all day and working cud be this important.

they are important to me now.
as i want to be important to them.

im trying not to bring them down,
coz so far, they are trying not to bring me down as well.

i thank them coz i have changed.........
i thank them not for the job with a pay just like LVs
i thank them for the experience.

i maybe happy because im trying to escape, but forgive me... now, i don't care whether i'm right or wrong... i just want to be happy...
though it hurts... (let's not get there, so dangerous to talk about)

i am having fun...........
with the right or wrong person/s as long as they/he/she completes my day...
that's what matters most.
like i've always said... i am a bitchy angel.

and i deserve these....
i do
and i want to deserve this.
after all what's worst than getting beaten in and out of hell for love!!!

i'm trying to find new meaning for love...
a love gone?? waiting??? hoping??
a love that can never be mine?
a love that will stay?
or stay with what i thought was love?

was it love i needed????
or respect more tahn anything else????
or both???

or i just need to be me..
free......

scared!!!!

just saying...
there was a time taht i thought being afraid was just baing afraid of ghost under our beds, cockroaches and rats, worst dead people...

these fades... and thorugh the years, life will unfold a lot of realities right in our faces that will change every aspect of our life.

love
death
taxes ...as they say!!!

what is the scariest feeling one could ever have? hanging in a cliff?
confusion?
hurting and getting hurt?

i am scared... i was scared my whole life and never had the chance to overcome that fear.
fear of love, notbeing loved, not loving.
fear of loneliness and leaving some one behind.
fear of happiness - not being able to give someone and not getting it from someone.

slowly that i realized,
i was afraid of living my life...
life that passed by me like a quartermile car race!!!
vrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm and gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how can i go back? how can i change things taht i know i should have control of?

My scare became my dare. 
and Im claiming victory. 
Now ready to bare
This time it will be my glory. 

new world new me

just saying...

there will come atime that we need to make decisions... wise decisions not only for ourselves caught in that 1 single struggle but a decision that will affect the rest of our lives.

i have been in a battle left and right. won a lot of them.

i never imagined that the most frightening battle would be the battle against one self.

there are times when you asked questions that you already know the answer but just soooo afraid that, that was really the right answer... denial? maybe, scared? hell yeah!!!

i am now fighting aginst my self.

my mind

my heart

my love!!!