BEAUTIFUL DISASTER

 

MY RIGHT KIND OF WRONG

I SURVIVED

I SURVIVED.

Warning. ‼️Long post. Allow me. 

This is a survivor post. 🤣❤️‍🩹 Life is truly short. 💗

One of my ultimate karaoke song is I will survive! 

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified…”

The past 20 days of questioning wether u will wake up tomorrow while gasping for air and depending on that two tiny holes of a hose in your nostrils if you can can breathe on your next morning will make you realize your worth and the worth of all those around you. I have learned to filter and refilter people and situations in my 42 years of life in that mere 19 days! I have assessed my life more crucially more than I have in the past years, way so much deeper than I have analyzed answers to which came first, the chicken or the egg! 

Covid is real is a cliche. For an Atrial Fibrilation paitient like me, my heart beats up to 200 in any moment. Covid is a silent gun killer. 

I’m pushing my neck to as if clear my throat to give way for air. My body aches like I probably fought with Pacquiao. My headaches are heavier than a migraine 3x the pain. And all others, coughs and colds. But NO FEVER. 

Im super blessed to have 2 doctors in the family. Dr. Clarissa Samson Cortez and Dr. Gabriela Montoya Sandoval - they both managed me so well and with lots of care - my only request was no Hospitalization. 

I told my brothers Patrick JP Samson and Jerome Samson  that if I ever needed care and machine pls no hospital. And Ive said I love yous to both of them more than ever. They are my twin towers. My pillars. 

Thankfully I did not reach that point. Nabuhay ng hindi umabot sa remdisivir. 

Thousand milligrams of a lot of antibiotics and medicines. Gallons of water, fruits and a lot of steam and among others were my military pack a day. My prayer warriors were good - malakas sila kay Lord. 

Each time, I call on to my Daddy. 

Dad, ok naman na si Nea. Tara na. And each morning, I knew, ayaw ako isama ng Daddy ko. Hehe! He fought for me too, I guess. 

So… each day, instead of asking Daddy to get me, I just said, e daddy kung ayaw mo, pauwiin mo na ko sa kabilang bahay. And so he did. 

Like he always does - Bring me home. 

“And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along…”

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think I'd lay down and die?”

And everyday in your 4 walls, totoo pala yung nerbyos ang papatay sayo? I was taking melatonin even at 1 pm just to sleep. Then another when I wake up again. I know it was wrong. But I needed sleep to keep my sanity. 

You come to your brewing point! You melt. Breakdown and cry. And repeat. 

I have realized some points in my life either out of desperation or anger, or perhaps, like what JP said, Ate, pumina ka na. Delikado ka dyan. 

In short, for a little fast driver like me, I said this time, I’ll go slowly now. 

This time. This is on me. 

> I have learned to value my family more than ever. 

> I proved that I only wanted to live more for them specially for my daughter. 

> True friends knows no years of how long you have known each other. Long or short. New or old- it is that deep connection and genuine care for each other that will prevail and will prove who your true friends are. And Im super thankful to those closest few. Others were surprising to me, Others made the cut, others just proved themselves and I was right all along.🤪. My Amigas you are my core. To Tibag group. Thank u too for keeping me sane and making me laugh always. 

And to those who sent me foods and messages and calls all throughout. SUPER THANK YOU AND YOU WILL ALL FOREVER BE REMEMBERED. 

> Health is wealth. Otherwise, prepare the best of ur last night program nor demand a good eulogy from ur closest few! I did. I even asked my event coor friend to get ready and prepare my best pics and fave songs. Told my bestfriend Hazel too what I wanted to wear and other stuff like who to call and what to say. Hahaha! 🤫😉 and K.k. Cortez just said, ate wag muna. Pagaling ka muna. Bawal pa events. Sayang ang gayak.

  Uddie Bernardo would send food and always message pagaling at madami tayong lakad. Ate Omi Rosa Romina Gozon every day will ask kamusta ka and send me notes on covid.

> Whatever problems - big or small - we have in life is incomparable to when you are fighting for your next breath. All else will just be like a dust in the eye. You become too tough and just chill - Everything will be alright. You are alive for heaven’s sake. 

> I’ve learned to compartmentalize what and who should come first. 

> Set my priorities. 📌📍📝💯 

In this case, me myself and I. I have realized I hve given so much of me towards others. Pleasing others. Getting the approval of people around me. Wanting to be appreciated and recognized. Now, you value YOU. I love ME - More. I respect Me. I care for me - More. 

> I finally - more than ever wanted that Freedom to live my life and stand for what I want. I have accepted that maybe in the process I would hurt some people along the way, but hey, that’s life. It isn’t truly fair. It goes both ways. You win some. You lose some. 

> and lastly and more importantly - 

YOU SURRENDER! - you accept that you are truly not in control and you are helpless when your Jesus tells you to REST - you STOP and LISTEN. You OBEY and Give HIM full control. 

Like the song: 

“And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me 

Those who are heavily laden, 

Come to Me, all of you who are tired 

Of carrying heavy loads, 

For the yoke I will give you is easy 

And My burden is light, 

Come to Me and I will give you rest."

And for the finale…

“Oh no not I, I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

And I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive

I will survive

Hey, hey”

> Everything is temporary and it is all not ours to begin with. Isang pitik lang ang lahat.  I was just lucky and perhaps, I still have my mission. It is not yet my time. Ang naging katsismisan ko sa room is my Nazareno. Dami kong sinumbong. Hahaha. 

I have escaped and cheated death for the nth time already, having gone thru ICU a couple of times before and now this… Jacq lang ang sakalam. Tibay na to, simply because ayaw pa talaga ni Lord. Madami pa daw iiyak e. Hehe. 

So, Sharon Hazel Sarmiento and Niña Emilia Samson dont cry na. im still here. Haha! Id still mess ur life wd my drama! Thank you both for everyday and every hour checking on me. For always telling me you wouldn’t want to lose me. For telling me u need me. 

Ma, your malditang panganay is here to take care of you. 

Still recovering though from post covid aches and effects, But…

I survived and I am back! 😉😏😘

(You are warned… joke!) 

42 - Hits and Misses

 2021 is anybody's ballgame and claim for victory and redemption after the whole fucking 2020 mishaps.

Turning a page older in my books, another number added to my years made me realize what matters in my life most after still being alive after Covid of 2020. Decided to list what I can still remember in my life

1. Love, Loved, Lost, Loved again, Lost again. Waiting to love and be loved again. 

2. People come back in your life for a reasom or a lesson. 

3. Lost Nanay Cela. This hurts the most.

4. Gained new friends 

5. Chose to leave some people.

6. Money and Success is different.

7. Your worth is not in denominations.

8. Motherhood is a fulltime challenge.

9. Motherhood is NEVER biological.

10. Live for your child.

11. Live more for yourself.

12. Reconnect with cousins - those who wants to be reconnected.

13. Carefully choose people that surrounds you.

14. Less is more.

15. Never be too trusting again!

16. Silence is an answer

17. Always look for opportunities, grab them. hold them like you want to be held!

18. New beginnings. New house. New life.

19. Got inked! haha!

20. Got drunk! Got lost and wasted. Cried like a fool.

21. Believe that YOURSELF DESERVE NEVER ENDING CHANCES TO CHANGE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH FREEDOM!

22. Survived COVID. Escaped death. Lived again.