I SURVIVED

I SURVIVED.

Warning. ‼️Long post. Allow me. 

This is a survivor post. 🤣❤️‍🩹 Life is truly short. 💗

One of my ultimate karaoke song is I will survive! 

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified…”

The past 20 days of questioning wether u will wake up tomorrow while gasping for air and depending on that two tiny holes of a hose in your nostrils if you can can breathe on your next morning will make you realize your worth and the worth of all those around you. I have learned to filter and refilter people and situations in my 42 years of life in that mere 19 days! I have assessed my life more crucially more than I have in the past years, way so much deeper than I have analyzed answers to which came first, the chicken or the egg! 

Covid is real is a cliche. For an Atrial Fibrilation paitient like me, my heart beats up to 200 in any moment. Covid is a silent gun killer. 

I’m pushing my neck to as if clear my throat to give way for air. My body aches like I probably fought with Pacquiao. My headaches are heavier than a migraine 3x the pain. And all others, coughs and colds. But NO FEVER. 

Im super blessed to have 2 doctors in the family. Dr. Clarissa Samson Cortez and Dr. Gabriela Montoya Sandoval - they both managed me so well and with lots of care - my only request was no Hospitalization. 

I told my brothers Patrick JP Samson and Jerome Samson  that if I ever needed care and machine pls no hospital. And Ive said I love yous to both of them more than ever. They are my twin towers. My pillars. 

Thankfully I did not reach that point. Nabuhay ng hindi umabot sa remdisivir. 

Thousand milligrams of a lot of antibiotics and medicines. Gallons of water, fruits and a lot of steam and among others were my military pack a day. My prayer warriors were good - malakas sila kay Lord. 

Each time, I call on to my Daddy. 

Dad, ok naman na si Nea. Tara na. And each morning, I knew, ayaw ako isama ng Daddy ko. Hehe! He fought for me too, I guess. 

So… each day, instead of asking Daddy to get me, I just said, e daddy kung ayaw mo, pauwiin mo na ko sa kabilang bahay. And so he did. 

Like he always does - Bring me home. 

“And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along…”

Did you think I'd crumble?

Did you think I'd lay down and die?”

And everyday in your 4 walls, totoo pala yung nerbyos ang papatay sayo? I was taking melatonin even at 1 pm just to sleep. Then another when I wake up again. I know it was wrong. But I needed sleep to keep my sanity. 

You come to your brewing point! You melt. Breakdown and cry. And repeat. 

I have realized some points in my life either out of desperation or anger, or perhaps, like what JP said, Ate, pumina ka na. Delikado ka dyan. 

In short, for a little fast driver like me, I said this time, I’ll go slowly now. 

This time. This is on me. 

> I have learned to value my family more than ever. 

> I proved that I only wanted to live more for them specially for my daughter. 

> True friends knows no years of how long you have known each other. Long or short. New or old- it is that deep connection and genuine care for each other that will prevail and will prove who your true friends are. And Im super thankful to those closest few. Others were surprising to me, Others made the cut, others just proved themselves and I was right all along.🤪. My Amigas you are my core. To Tibag group. Thank u too for keeping me sane and making me laugh always. 

And to those who sent me foods and messages and calls all throughout. SUPER THANK YOU AND YOU WILL ALL FOREVER BE REMEMBERED. 

> Health is wealth. Otherwise, prepare the best of ur last night program nor demand a good eulogy from ur closest few! I did. I even asked my event coor friend to get ready and prepare my best pics and fave songs. Told my bestfriend Hazel too what I wanted to wear and other stuff like who to call and what to say. Hahaha! 🤫😉 and K.k. Cortez just said, ate wag muna. Pagaling ka muna. Bawal pa events. Sayang ang gayak.

  Uddie Bernardo would send food and always message pagaling at madami tayong lakad. Ate Omi Rosa Romina Gozon every day will ask kamusta ka and send me notes on covid.

> Whatever problems - big or small - we have in life is incomparable to when you are fighting for your next breath. All else will just be like a dust in the eye. You become too tough and just chill - Everything will be alright. You are alive for heaven’s sake. 

> I’ve learned to compartmentalize what and who should come first. 

> Set my priorities. 📌📍📝💯 

In this case, me myself and I. I have realized I hve given so much of me towards others. Pleasing others. Getting the approval of people around me. Wanting to be appreciated and recognized. Now, you value YOU. I love ME - More. I respect Me. I care for me - More. 

> I finally - more than ever wanted that Freedom to live my life and stand for what I want. I have accepted that maybe in the process I would hurt some people along the way, but hey, that’s life. It isn’t truly fair. It goes both ways. You win some. You lose some. 

> and lastly and more importantly - 

YOU SURRENDER! - you accept that you are truly not in control and you are helpless when your Jesus tells you to REST - you STOP and LISTEN. You OBEY and Give HIM full control. 

Like the song: 

“And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me 

Those who are heavily laden, 

Come to Me, all of you who are tired 

Of carrying heavy loads, 

For the yoke I will give you is easy 

And My burden is light, 

Come to Me and I will give you rest."

And for the finale…

“Oh no not I, I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive

I've got all my life to live

And I've got all my love to give

And I'll survive

I will survive

Hey, hey”

> Everything is temporary and it is all not ours to begin with. Isang pitik lang ang lahat.  I was just lucky and perhaps, I still have my mission. It is not yet my time. Ang naging katsismisan ko sa room is my Nazareno. Dami kong sinumbong. Hahaha. 

I have escaped and cheated death for the nth time already, having gone thru ICU a couple of times before and now this… Jacq lang ang sakalam. Tibay na to, simply because ayaw pa talaga ni Lord. Madami pa daw iiyak e. Hehe. 

So, Sharon Hazel Sarmiento and Niña Emilia Samson dont cry na. im still here. Haha! Id still mess ur life wd my drama! Thank you both for everyday and every hour checking on me. For always telling me you wouldn’t want to lose me. For telling me u need me. 

Ma, your malditang panganay is here to take care of you. 

Still recovering though from post covid aches and effects, But…

I survived and I am back! 😉😏😘

(You are warned… joke!) 

42 - Hits and Misses

 2021 is anybody's ballgame and claim for victory and redemption after the whole fucking 2020 mishaps.

Turning a page older in my books, another number added to my years made me realize what matters in my life most after still being alive after Covid of 2020. Decided to list what I can still remember in my life

1. Love, Loved, Lost, Loved again, Lost again. Waiting to love and be loved again. 

2. People come back in your life for a reasom or a lesson. 

3. Lost Nanay Cela. This hurts the most.

4. Gained new friends 

5. Chose to leave some people.

6. Money and Success is different.

7. Your worth is not in denominations.

8. Motherhood is a fulltime challenge.

9. Motherhood is NEVER biological.

10. Live for your child.

11. Live more for yourself.

12. Reconnect with cousins - those who wants to be reconnected.

13. Carefully choose people that surrounds you.

14. Less is more.

15. Never be too trusting again!

16. Silence is an answer

17. Always look for opportunities, grab them. hold them like you want to be held!

18. New beginnings. New house. New life.

19. Got inked! haha!

20. Got drunk! Got lost and wasted. Cried like a fool.

21. Believe that YOURSELF DESERVE NEVER ENDING CHANCES TO CHANGE AND LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH FREEDOM!

22. Survived COVID. Escaped death. Lived again. 

Spell Confusion

It was a clear case of illusion

Led by mistaken imagination.

When you were lifted in a bliss

Then suddenly dropped in a mess. 

When one word could mean a million

Choosing to believe an opinion.

Thinking what you'd like to believe

Is actually what you just wanna re live

A bounce of sweetness

Was afterall, in the end would be bitterness.

When things go sour,

you're left with a heart so torn and dour. 

Lifted so high and fallen so deep.

Selfishly ignored like a volcano asleep.

then you realized, it wasn't a confusion.

But you were merely a muted notification.

Superwoman Japanese Flight

Sept. 24, 2019

I am flying first time to the land of the rising sun with my usual travel buddies and lifelong partners Ates and Kuyas. Uddie. Gen. Randi.
A usual four hour flight is not a problem as I have been quite a traveller already - Land, sea and air.
Us the CRAZY 4, always have random bondings anywhere. Walk. Run. Fly. Eat. Sleep. Talk. And talk. And talk.

But this time I am flying differently.
That is - this time, a different me.
A more independent superwoman!
A realized person who values herself more.
1 year had passed.
1 year of cheating smiles and happiness just because you are overcoming 20 years of tears and pain.
A lot had passed thru in my life.
Come and go. People and events.

As I casually let the 4 hour flight slide,
Twists and turns in my seat, netflix and spotify had become my usual bffs.

1 song caught my sleepyhead.
SUPERWOMAN by Karyn White.

Knowing the emotional shallow me.
It awaken every running cells in me.
I repeated the song over and over until I finally accepted the depth and meaning of the song.

I googled the lyrics.

I submitted fully. In tears.

I just realized how I surrendered myself.
Pride, Prejudice, Patience.
Respect. Happiness. Love.
Just to make others happy.
Just to please others.
They alwaye came first - a partner or a lovelife. Family. Relatives. Friends.

Then it dawned on me.
Where am I?

It took me 40 years to finally accept how sad I am and how badly I neglected myself.

It took me this long to let go.

Listening to this effin damn song,

"I've got my pride... but it's making me weak.
I am not your superwoman.
I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everything is ok.
I'm only human."

"This girl needs more than occassional hugs as a token of love from you."

"I'll always be there for you through good and bad times but I can't be that superwoman that you want me to be."

"I'll give my love and lasting love if you return it to me."

I thought on it and pondered this is not just a song for woman rejected by a man.
It is actualy a cry of help.
For a person to be empowered. And to bae simply loved back in return.
Appreciated and respected.

Simple. The girl now wants to have -
SELF LOVE.

Today in Osaka. I'm choosing me.
Yung iba? Tska na lang!
Ako muna.

• 
  

Smile my Star

Y My star, 

I thought you were gone. 

but you found your way back. 

You assured me my nights won’t be empty. 

Even when hidden by dark clouds.

At least, I know. In my own sky, I will have my star. 

You told me you’d just always be there. 

You were sent in a perfect time of darkness.

When I needed to be found

And I need to find Me. I THANK YOU. 

Though in a different world, 

In a different time, In our sweet complication. 

we found something for us - a friend - 

Somehow, that just make us smile even from afar.

A friendship, close to real. So long already. 

We just pick up from where we left of. 

Maybe not yet so deep like childhood friends...

For we do not have the time... not even the chance. 

We KNEW each other. We annoy each other. 

We have years to count on who we are in each others lives. No nothing. 

Just my star. And your smile. 

This friendship is good and real. 

Now I value that. 

But we do not know each other...

But it felt like we do. 

And you opened a big part of you. 

Your world. Your time.

Your mind, your friendly heart, 

And knowing you?? Aagghhhhh!!! 

You are so deep and hidden. 

You always have a mystery wall. 

But you are reaching out from that wall. 

Casually. Once in a while. 

You always steal a minute to say hi. 

I must have have done something right. 

Take care my star. Take care. 

Know that I care and I pray. 

You are one lucky star!!!

Thank your heaven. 

You must have done something right

To deserve a friend like me!!!👌🏼😉

I am ok. Worry not. 

I’ll be around - I always say. 

Though I wished you can say the same. 

But I stopped wishing. No more. 

I just know you’ll show up anytime. 

I’ll be needing your guide 

even in my bright mornings!

Smile. My star. 😎😎😎. Smile. 😘

SINO

SINO?

Nasan ka na? Nasan ka ba?

Wala man akong karapatang hanapin ka.

Puso ay pagod na. 

Wala mang kasiguruhan. 

Wala namang hinihintay. 

Hindi naman siguro masamang magtanong

Sa mapaglarong tadhana. 

Hindi man ikaw. O iba man ang nakatakda. 

Pusonay pagod nang lumuha. 

Masama ba kong tao? Ako ba’y walang kwenta? Sadya ba kong may mali?

Bakit laging ako yung sawi?

Pagod na ko. Ayawan na. 

Para  tayong chubibong umiikot. 

Pero buti pa ang chubibo, Umaakyat muli. 

Bakit ako? Laging bagsak muli? Bakit ako laging wasak muli?

Kailan kaya ako tunay na liligaya?

Pag ba mga paa ko’y pantay na?

Ang daya e. Lagi akong talo. Kahit kelan walang panalo. 

Minsan tanong ko. Ako ba ang tanga o ikaw?

Sino bang dapat manghinayang?

Sino ba talaga ang bumitaw? Ako ba o ikaw?

BIRO

BIRO

Mapagbiro daw ang tadhana. 

Parang sirang plaka diba?

Parang pagkakamali lang. 

diba, ulit ulit lang?

Tumatanda ba talaga ko ng paurong

O sadyang tinatakasan ko lang sumulong?

Ang dami ko nang palpak. 

Sanay ng lumagapak. 

Bakit ba hindi ako matuto?

Bakit laging nauuto?

Bakit hanggang ngayon nandito?

Oo. Wala ka naman kasalanan.

Kasi pinili kong wala kang alam. 

Meron man ay pili lang. 

kasi mukang ako, para sayo ay hanggang dito lang. 

Ilang beses ka nang bumalik.  

Kita naman sayong mata

Parang nung tayo ay bata

Pareho tayong may ngiti. 

Parehong may tuwa. 

Parehong may saya. 

Magkaibigan lang tayo. Oo. Kaibigan mo lang ako. Sorry ha. Mukang malabo. 

Kasi mukang nahuhulog ako. 

Masisi mo ba ko? Iba ka din magpasuko. 

Huli mo loob ko. 

Alam kong alam mo. 

Huli ko din naman. 

Alam ko din naman. Pero kung mali ang duda 

Patawad. Natanga lang.  

Pero mukang mas magaling kang magtago. 

Pakiramdam ko tuloy ngayon ako’y gago. 

Kung mali man ako sa duda ko. 

Sorry ha. Hindi mo ko masisisi

At ayaw kong ikaw yung magsisi. 

Tanggap ko nang hanggang dito lang tayo. 

Huwag lang tayo magkalayo. 

Magtitiis ako mag isa. 

Ako na yung magkukusa. 

Magisa na kong magluluksa

Ako na lang yung mawawala. 

Sana dumating yung panahon

Kahit sa ibang pagkataon. 

Tayo ay magtagpo. 

At hindi na maglaho

Lahat ng ating tinago. 

Lahat to ay isa lamang

BIRO!

when everything’s meant to be broken

Iris

Goo Goo Dolls

LYRICS

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause i don’t think thatcthey’d understand WHEN EVERYTHING IS MEANT TO BE BROKEN, I JUST WANT THEM TO KNOW WHO I AM (3x)

I just want you to know WHO I AM

PIECE OF PEACE

Everyone wants a piece of something,

Everyone wishes for everything.

A lot gets nothing. some gets everything

all are just a piece of things.

It is when you are at your lowest that you see clearer. 

It is when you are hurt that you feel deeper. 

As if all these are eye-openers. 

Wishing all will be better

A point comes when you just want to turn your back. 

No looking back. No stepping back. 

Forward you go. Moving on you say.

No more chances as they say! You stop. 

No matter how hard you try to do good. 

Once you fail - all else fails. 

Goodness is never good. 

Badness is immortal. That is what they only see. 

Decisions are never made when you are mad. 

Leave it as it is. Let it fade. Let it pass. Let it slide. 

You never forgive and forget. It doesn’t happen if it ain’t together. 

Time may run. It may pass. But tomorrow is another day. 

One day you wake up. You have made your mind. 

On your own. You decide. You stand.

By this time, you are unbreakable. 

What is left is only a piece of Peace. 

Beware. For the strongest and fiercest are the Scarred women. 

It maybe a pain from career, family, or the least is from men. 

Once the heart is bruised. That is venomous. 

It poisons her so well. It doesn’t blind her. 

It opens her eyes. It clears her mind. 

It opens her heart. Then she starts her rage. 

You wouldn’t know it. It is happening and once you knew,

You’d only wish for a piece of peace. 

Chances

I failed a lot of times.
I made mistakes. I have lots of regrets.
I miss my daddy. I have not moved on from his passing.
I cry in all of the movies with scenes with daddies in it.
I cry when I hear songs that he likes. I still cry so hard when I see all his favorite things.
I still ask for forgiveness.And I Don't think I will ever be forgiven.
I hurt him so much. I disappointed him so much.
I long for that chance again to show him how much I love him.

I am a failure.

People say I am smart and I always know what to do.
But that is not me anymore.
I am tired.
If not only for this one single soul who needs me in her life...
I am giving up. Since I am no good. But in her eyes, I am the best.
So maybe at least, just her at least...
I will try not to disappoint her.
I will hold on to this chance to prove my worth to her.
To not commit the same mistakes again.

I will try not to fail again.

My heart is not ok.
There is no more denying that my heart is hurt.
And tired. Perhaps.
My heart is giving up.
Literally and figuratively.
I loved so much it hurts.
I am loved so much... It hurts.
Love equals hatred.
Mistakes are not forgiven.

I lost my chances.

I thank my lucky stars for everything.
I am not well liked for sure. By a lot.
Even my fb posts are not well liked.
I know I have a few, that I've touched lives.
I know someday, I'll have a few who'd smile for me.
Laugh with me. Be proud of me.
I know I Have been true, brave and happy.
I don't care if they stare, or if they step back.
I will still be me. Fat and frank!

Even if it is too late. I'll try to change my fate.
For my grounded wounded heart, I am fighting.
This time, Im claiming my last chance.
This time it is gonna be me!

HOLY WEEK - Makinabang, Baliuag, Bulacan

Merciful God, release us from the time of trial and oppression, that we may witness to the eternal hope of grief becoming joy and life rising from death.

                                                                   Amen.

Holy week in Baliuag has always been festive, venerated and most of all, awaited.

For how many years, the town proper of Baliuag Bulacan always have about 100 or more carrozas or karo every Holy Week.

It is from this inspiration that our parish, Sto. Rosario de Makinabang, of Baliuag, Bulacan -  6 years ago, started to have our own Holy Week procession. Every Holy Wednesday and Good Friday, the carrozas walk the stretch of our main road. we started with merely 6 karos, but now, we are proud to have about 35 carrozas now. This was made possible by several devotees and volunteers. All the karos in our procession are owned by families that are active in the parish. As family volunteers that wanted to join, it is not a question of how big or small, how simple or extravagant, or who is who, that joins the procession. thus, the solemness and importance of the season is vastly observed. We commemorate the passion of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ through our own way, not to merely perform idolatry, but to pay respect to the traditions of our religion. 

here are the 2015 Holy Week Procession in Makinabang.

Happy Birthday my Nea!

You are my Life! You are my inspiration. 

Everytime I get praises and people tell me that My Niña Emilia is being raised well, has manners and breeding, and that you are such a good girl - you just don't know it but I am sooo flattered and thankful that Mama Mary helped me to raise you that well. 

I must have done something so good in my life to deserve you as my gift. You are so sweet and topakin, you are smart and yet so kalog. You are so kikay and feeling artista!!!

 I can see how you are as a woman soon, coz this early you give advices to me to be strong. You are growing up to be my bestfriend. 

You rock my world Nea. You will ways be my superstar!!!

Bethany House of Sto. Nino - closest to my heart.

Ever since I was around 10 years old, we have been visiting this orphanage.

It was here where my first exposure for our Sto. Rosario church in Makinabang was held.

It was here where my first catechetical guild outreach program was held.

It was here where I finally became a  "parent"!

I have been frequenting this place for many years already. but this October 2014 visit was different.

we came back! we came big.  we came -  A lot!

My uncles joined me, my grandmother was with us too. My Ninang Delia and my Uncle Thippa from NY was with me too.

We brought lots of stuff for the children and for the whole house. We also have packed foods which we shared altogether.

as always, a visit to Bethany is a knock on my head. it is always a reminder that I do not have the right to question my God for all my "undelivered" wishes! 

I have visited several houses already, I have to say that the kids here are all behaved, sweet and really respectful.

One thing nice during our visit is, when we were there, a group of policemen and women from Camp Alejo in Malolos City came too. They brought some packed foods as well, They also have diapers, groceries and a lot more. The best news is, all these came from all of their donations - from their own packets. We salute you sirs and mams!!!

 here are the contact details for Bethany. I hope you can also come and visit them.

Please get in touch with their directress, Sr. Analyn. She is very kind and accommodating. I've known her for about 12 years already since when she was just a young nun attending to the kids, now, she became the directress already.

BETHANY HOUSE ORPHANAGE

Tabe, Guiguinto, Bulacan, Philippines

Contact Nos.: (63)-044-794 0200 / 044-690 2163

Email: bhso_orph2003@yahoo.com