pigment of my memory

just saying...

Every love affair has their own story.

I guess we are nearing our death.

Or maybe, this is the phase where we will die and get resurrected

And be what we used to be – in love and happy.

Or maybe this is the part that I am dreaming

And hoping that all these are not true.

That we are still happy.

That we are still going to be happy.

I used to have a folder of poems of how happy we are

How much we love each other

How in love we were…

A compilation of our happiest feelings

They were reminders of the kind of love we were sharing

Maybe they are our promises that we will stay that way

Or maybe, reminders that if we no longer have that state

We should fight for our love over and over again…

Now I just realized, those poems I’ve written for us

Are maybe meant to stay on those papers

Just a written pigment of my memory

For I have to face what is real

That we are not happy anymore

The love might still be there

But I guess the rest is gone

Just like a dream
I can’t remember them,
when I opened my eyes to reality.

SIMBANG GABI NA!!! - PASKO NA!!!

all pictures from google images

all pictures from google images

all pictures from google images

Totoo na to.. eto na nga! Iba talaga ang Paskong Pinas! 

Paskong Pinoy.

Kahit pa alam natin na September pa lang Pasko na sa atin, 

pag dumadating na ang Simbang Gabi, 

para tayong mga ikakasal na excited, 

mga gagraduate na umaasa, 

parang mga kinder na papasok sa school...

ayan na ang bibingka, 

puto bungbong, 

tsokolate, 

queso de bola, 

ang bagong damit. hahaha!

taon taon pare pareho naman, pero walang nagsasawa???  

Bukas sa simbahan, ayan na ang dami ng tao.. 

sa unang gabi, sa pangalawa, sa pangatlo.. 

ewan ko yung pang apat at mga sumunod. 

Sigurado sa 24 na ulit ang balik nila.. 

gaya ko. hehehe.

all pictures from google images

Dec. 14, 2010 - nagsabi si moomy kung gusto daw ba namin tapusin yung 9 na simbang gabi. syempre sumagot ako ng oo.
habang pinaplano k sa isip ko paano nga  ba ako gigising ng alas 4 ng umaga, samantalang nun pa lang ako inaantok!!! hindi na ko kumontra, sabi ko na lang sige gisingin mo ko!!!
Nasa tabi ng mesa sila nove, sonia at si mira.. pag alis ni Mommy sabay sabay silang nagtawanan... natawa daw sila aat sa malamang hindi nga kami makapag simba..

         Dec. 15, 2010 - alas 7 ng gabi ng tanungin ako ni nove, kung tuloy daw ba kami magsimba, pinapatanong daw ni Mommy, sabi ko naman oo. ilang oras na ko nagpaplano matulog, alas 11 na ng gabi walang antok na dumadapo sa kin.. Dyos ko po!

all pictures from google images

Ngyon pa lang iniisip kona ano nga ba gagawin ko pagdating ng alas 3 ng umaga na kadalasang may dumadaan na musiko para manggising.. hindi sigurado eepekto sakin yun... Buti na lang ang layo ng kwarto ko sa kalsada.. ay teka, kailangan ko nga pala magising mamya...

at gaya ng kadalasang nangyayari.. kahit alarm ng celphone, hindi umi epekto.. INTERCOM na matagal na ring ang panggising nila sakin...

Sisiguraduhin ko na makapag simba ako ngayong UNANG SIMBANG GABI, gaya ng mga nagdaang taon.

at gaya ng mga nagdaang taon, puro UNANG SIMBANG GABI lang ako nakakasimba, tsamba yung 3 gabi. hehehe Ayaw ko kasi mangako na tatapusin ko, pipilitin ko... as in.

Natatawa nga ako nung mapag usapan namin ng mga kasama namin sa bahay at ni Teacher Mira, na baka sa bandang huli, maipapagmaneho ko lang si Mommy gabi gabi... pero tulog daw ako sa kotse habang nasa loob si Mommy.

malalaman ang galing ko sa simbang gabi.. abangan!!

Simbang Gabi - Lucio San Pedro

just saying...

2nd time

just saying...

paano ko sasagutin ang mga tanong na kahit kailan

di mo naman tinanong, kung paano kita hahawakan...

kung sa panaginip... lang kita, makakasama

ikaw ang pinaka mahirap kong mahal,

mahal na kahit kailan hindi magiging akin

at kung magiging tayo, ikaw ang pinaka

matamis kong problema

paano kita mamahalin, kung wala ka na sa akin

paano mo ko mamahalin kung wala na ako sa'yo

ikaw ang pinakamalaki kong pag subok

kahit may mali, gusto kong gawin

ikaw ang dahilan, sarili ko'y nakakalimutan ko

nangako tayo pero pareho nating nawala

umasa sa wala,

para sa pagmamahalang hindi naging atin

humiling sa lahat... sa langit

nasa puso ka nasa isip ka, oras-oras, araw-araw

lagi kang naaalala

bakit ang layo mo, kahit malapit ka na sa akin

describing life from google

just saying...
here are the random pictures of my life... 
(all from google when i was browsing)
they all reflected and explained 
my state of mind, life and heart ...
enjoy...

Sacrifices 
and
happiness

 

Choices
and 
decisions

 

Loneliness
and
fate 










 




Everything has its time… time to be gone and be back. 

Time to 
love,
laugh
and leave…

what if my time is out?????

I am now jailed by my own decisions of not letting go of those things that should have been set freed a long time ago.

I am now counting the years of my existence and happy are those who have found their rightful places in this Earth.

 

A friend told me to just go with the flow… he said: “ ayos lang yun, sumama ka na lang sa agos… para hindi ka masaktan” … I said: “ what if I’m about to reach the end of a waterfall”…  he said: “ e d ayos, mataas ang tatalunan” …  Me: [with so much things on my head that I wanted to explain to him…] I just answered with doubt and with a smile: I’m afraid of heights !!!

maria cristina falls - i took it when i went in Cagayan, Iligan, Bukidnon, etc

Funny! Short, true, but still funny! We have just equated our lives to the, perhaps, rapids of a river! We have just compared our maybe sad lives to the waters falling from the falls.

  

Boredom, 
like misery,
loves
company.
Drunkness
and sadness 
are always best with friends!

my ecstasy of questions

I have just realized that decision making should not be the hardest part of letting go, but instead, it is the “after party” of the deciding (main event)  And now, I know, I can never decide, because I never wanted to attend the “after party”.

 

 Life was never the same. And it will never be. It is true that we can never bring back any part of yesterday. I will only have pictures in my memory of both satisfactions and regrets but never contentment. 

I just can’t help but sometimes question my own life, and yes sometimes my God, Why!. Why is it that if He has control in all of this, in all of me, has he allowed these things to happen to me, knowing that I will not be ok afterwards…  with a heart full of doubt, it just hit me… true enough, that it is because of all these things that I was able to be ME now. That I was able to hold on the same cross that I thought I was carrying… I was not carrying it after all.. it was lying on my back to assure me I can make it through all these mess, I – Myself – have gotten into.

                                                            

No 

one 

is to

blame. 

- but me!

It just makes me so f*&%!ng irritated and really pissed to hear people complain and always blame others for their own miseries and desperations. Diba sabi nga, when we point the blame to other people, may natitira pang 4 na daliri na nakaturo din satin. Can’t you stop and think, maybe the problem is not with all of us, and maybe it was you all along!!! Maybe it was you after all? Maybe we were all like this because of you!

CHANGE...
CHANGE 
FOR THE BETTER!

As always, after all the turmoil and ecstasy that I have dealt with… still, I am standing strong. I am not really happy and proud of where I am now, but at least, I don’t know how it happened or who taught me… because still, I am not losing hope that like what Bob Marley will always say.. “Everything is gonna be alright!   

the enchanted kingdom roller coaster, always seen never riden

Life will always be that roller coaster ride… and sadly… I have never been in a roller coaster… 

But I’ve travelled by plane, by cruise, by ship, by boat, by a car, a 4x4, name it… all with a bumpy ride, and went out of it alive…

Maybe my survival will depend on my next ride.. It is for me to take and for me to finish… as long as it is not a roller coaster!

 I cannot afford to just cross the bridge when I get there.. I need to be ready before the bridge, because maybe after I cross it, there is no turning back of what I have left in the other side…

the very famous bridge in Paris where Carrie kissed Big - my dream scene in my life!!!

iceberg - true beauty lies beneath

 and finally.... the best ever reason why i still believe... the beauty of my life do not depend on what is just infront of me.. my beauty is not only skin deep.. it is this big heart inside and the good mind on top of my head that always give me hope, strenght and wisdom to move forward and carry on!!

... I AM BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY!!! HAHAHA

So don't you bring me down today.. or not ever!!!

I am like my chocolates... sweet. dark. reliable. your happy vitamins!

THIS IS ME.. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT

and this explains it all... haha!!

ugaling ewan!

just saying...

Ang pakikisama ay hindi nasusukat ng ngiti at simpleng pag beso beso lang!

Nakakapikon na ang mga kalukahan na kailangan ay lagi kong sakyan dahil sa pakikisama.

Masyado naman yatang nakakalimutan ang agwat ng edad at kung sinoang kaharap.

totoo nga sigurong, madadaming nagbago, nagbabago at magbabago - sa pag usad ng panahon at sa pagkapal ng bulsa ng isang tao.

Pigil na pigil ang aking emosyon sa pagsusulat ng gusto kong ibahagi... dahil na din siguro sa pakikisama - nag isip ako bigla, pakikisama nga ba ang iniisip ko o pagmamahal at respeto sa taong maaaring masagasaan.

ahhh... dahil nga sa pagmamahal at respeto sa taong maapektuhan pero, ngunit, datapwat, subalit - HINDI sa taong iyon na may kasalanan...

May mga nais lang ako ibahagi, mga kaya ko pang sabihin, maaring sa puntong ito ay hindi ako magiging magaling na manlalahad dahil ako mismo ay pumipigil sa mga nais kong ilahad at iparating...

una at huling mensahe -- Matuto kang umarte sa kung ano at sino ka lang.

my chocolates are from daddy!!!

just saying...

today, I read one bad news! Actually, good for them, bad for me. :) I don't want to waste one more minute trying to answer the "why" questions... NOW I FORGOT WHAT WAS THAT NEWS!

And because of that news... I took my best drug!!! fortunately, my favorite supplier never runs out of stock!!! 7-11 has always been a reliable source!

ehem! i bought them in 3's always.. It should always be these 3!








Toblerone Black/ original - Cadbury Dairy Milk - Hersheys Dark Chocolate


yes.. it is also taken in that order... my personal prescription!

At first, I thought it was only those scientific or medical "enzymes" whatsoever, in these chocolates that releases that happy mood like taking the E pill!!!

as i grew up.. slowly I learned to rely on these 3 pain relievers everytime I am crying, sad, sobbing, lonely, or sometimes when I'm also just too happy and excited.. stressed... nervoous... almost every abnormal and out of the routinary feelings I have... I all felt them together with my reliable 3 best friends!!

now, as in today.. it just hit me after taking my last bite of Hersheys dark chocolate... i just realized.. while crying in front of a movie,

These chocolates or whatever is inside them.. does not really make me happy... they made me fat!!!


I was happy with them.. I am happy eating them...

It was all because I was happy with my chocolates... They make me happy eating them, because, all the times I need to be happy... they are there...

I have eaten them when I was a child with all the BEST memories of my childhood...

and all of those chocolates I took was from Daddy... 

- coming home from work or from sabong or just from wherever... He will give me all the types of chocolates he can get from the airport.. you see, my dad used to be an immigration officer, so coming home from the then, MIA (Manila International Airport) was never a problem.. maybe it was even free for him!!!

it was Daddy's bribe for me...

it was the all original toblerone... cadbury dairy milk and the original hershey's milk chocolates.. but as i grew, i learned to love the new versions of dad's chocolates... and believe me.. he also loved them as I introduced these "dark" flavors--- because he was diabetic, that's why!

and now.. as i always cry and face each day of my adult and hopefully nearing 40 - matured life... I cannot help but always rely on daddy's chocolates...

Chocolates are my daddy's gifts to me... Chocolates are my dad's way of making me smile!!!

Chocolates makes me Happy because they are from DADDY!

NEVER ON TIME

Just saying...

No one can ever tell when can be the last time we can say how much we love someone.

We can be ignoring days, hours and even minutes that just runs and pass by us.

When can too late be just too late? When is late really late?

I have ignored time and people in my lifetime...

I have learned life lessons the hard way... sometimes in a very personal way also.

During my younger years in school, I used to read stories with supposedly moral lessons in the end.

My assignments would always have the question, what is the moral lesson of the story???

Now I begin to ask myself, I do not have any stories to read...

I have my own now to make.

I do not have characters anymore to analyze and judge...

I have "me" now and my own character and values for that matter to watch for...

I have to guard my own self... my language, my actions, my decisions most importantly...

Now I can only find "regrets" in my own vocabulary.

But somewhere I am longing to see the words - faith, hope, maybe love in the end... and farther more, Respect.

Now, what is left of my life??

I am losing time, I lost my dad and with pains and still with tears that I will reminisce my few years with him.

I was planning to write more about him but I cannot...

Still after almost 6 years... I still can't even get over his death, much more talk about us...

I miss him so much...

It kills me missing him so much!!!

I always say, we can never accept losing someone....

The most we could do is just learn to get used to it each day that we have lost them.

It was too late for me to miss him.

It was too late for the kisses I have showered him during that painful 4am I lost him.

It was too late for me when I hugged his picture so tight on the burial procession!

I was late for loving him...

I pity myself that I can never get that time back...

Actually I have never forgiven myself.

I hate myself for the times I've hated him.

Actually I still have never forgiven myself.

I still cannot forget.

There are others that even without the same predicaments have wasted the same amount of time...

not showing how much they value their loved ones.

But why? What is stopping you?

What is taking you so long?

But sadly there are others, that even if how much they have shown their love...

They were still too late, too early,

Never on time... never ready to lose someone...

sadly, that something so good can be taken away from them...

Why does people always ask the "why" and "why me" questions???

because they do not hold time... no one does actually...

because no one knows the answers.

because maybe, no one dared to ask it again

because they are afraid they might be answered… the next time they asked?

no one owns time...

no one can control time...

no one knows God...

no one can control God.

maybe that is why we always say, that no matter what name we call Him

what matters is just we believe.

we believe to the most powerful being...

we trust even without personal appearance

we listen even without a phone call

we obey even without direct orders.

how can anyone really explain that time is gold but patience is a virtue?

Was it really just a joke that actually made perfect sense?

is the book of St. Peter true? do we really all have timelines and life spans?

when are we good enough? when is enough enough?

Is “no regrets” really an inspiring motto?

I was just too late… Was I really just late?

 Or it wasn’t really meant to be?

I guess, one thing is just proven true – MOVING ON, MOVING FORWARD.

Because we are never sure that each of our day has always tomorrows. 

i am a mother to my daughter

wrote this blog from way back.. sharing it again this time for mother's day.

my daughter...
she is my little girl
everyone around us and who knows us
knows who is she in my life.
she is my angel...
she is heaven's way of assuring me that i am loved...
she is my life's greatest treasure.

a lot of moms can say the same way or even more than this.
now i believe that motherhood is in every woman's heart.
it is in every woman's dreams
it is the essence of every woman...


motherhood is not biological...
oh yes it is, i won't argue..
but does that make me less of a mother
just because i did not conceive her?

i am luckier, come to think of it.
that life and fate did not allow me to experience
that painful agony but fruitful childbearing process of life...

...but i am a mother!


she just turned 8, in a new school, and soon she will be graduating (sigh)
she is now asking how she can use my bags and chooses among them
she wants a facebook account...
she is "in" MY life... my family and friends,
and soon, she will be in HER own society of friends and family as well.

yes, my own, will also be her own now!!!
her life will be my life
but i will not make my life her life...

...because i am just a mother.



i will not cry when she cries
coz i need to be strong
no matter how much tears i am trying to stop...

i cannot stop living, trying and hurting,
i cannot just stop when everything gets rough and tough
coz i cannot stop being the person she looks up to
and for that i need to go on with life...

...because i am her mother...

i am happy even when i am sad
i feel alive even if i'm tired,
i feel high even if i'm in my lowest,
just one kiss and one hug!
i am living a life now, that to her i owe...
because...

...SHE IS MY DAUGHTER

i don't want to fall

just saying...
destiny, fate, or both
no one can really know what would happen
a decade is a lifetime as it is
i missed a friend and an enemy
i miss how i was annoyed and how i annoy
i miss our laughter, our simple stories,
our long hours and late nights on the phone.
missing someone after 10 years
who is not your anything is rare!
maybe it's really just missing
or maybe it was really just that we jive,
we connect, we enjoy... after all, we have sense!

a friend will always be a friend

no matter what our history may be
there are just some things better left unsaid
a simple i'm sorry is enough...
but maybe i forgave and forgot not because of the apology
but because of the happiness and the missing...
and maybe just because, i want to move on.
hoping maybe, expecting and getting ready to get hurt again.
here i go again, allowing people to get in to my life,
my nerves and eventually hurt me again.
i was told that goodbye is "i will see you again, when I'm ready to hold your hand and you're ready to hold mine..."
i was told that letting go is "i will miss your hand. i realized it is not mine to hold, and i will never hold it again..."

and someone said, there is actually no difference

you are my right kind of wrong
you are my personal brand of tequila shots
you are a hard habit to break
you are my "me"
my exact twin, my exact opposite

we are not anything.
no labels can be given.
oh i forgot... we are just friends!
you are now my biggest fear to my strength
you are the threat to my weakness.
but who am I to you?
i don't wanna be in this game again.
I'm trying to enjoy and not expect


so I'm keeping it this way.. the way you do and the way you like!

just stay, even as my friend
even if by staying, and by making you stay,
I'm silently hoping, waiting and expecting
and maybe quietly, loving and hurting... again!


but i won't... don't worry, i won't!